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[*stepping out of a time-machine, clutching a painting by Hitler*]: "Well, that did NOT go as planned"

i keep an inkjet printer in my car so if I ever get pulled over i can print my insurance card

I’m just gonna repost all the stuff you reposted. Thanks for all of your hard work!

Shit. I thought I was done at 12 not 2. What bitch wrote this schedule? Morgan Freeman: She knew perfectly well that she was the bitch who wrote the schedule.

Mother: Timmy wants candy for his birthday Father: [high on acid] Let's blindfold him and make him smash a paper donkey with a stick

hate giving urine samples at the doctor’s office. I’m always afraid I’m going to miss the cup or pee on my hands and then when you’re finished and you try to hand it to the nurse she’s like “why are you thrusting a big gulp cup at me” and “that better be apple juice”

Them: It doesn’t cost anything to be nice. Me: Yes, but being a jerk is free too.

i bought one glasses cleaner i liked a lot and then lost it. so i bought 3 glasses cleaners thinking i could not possibly lose 3 whole glasses cleaners. well well well,

my HOA arbitrarily decided that walking around with a bag of poop is only acceptable if you have a dog

[James Stewart as Odysseus] now listen here, Agamemnon, I'm going home, y'see. You keep your fancy armour, I'm getting off this crummy ol' beach. [Spotting the Cyclops] now here's a curious fella, he's only got one peeper

(having just spent 5 hours cleaning) haha you'll have to excuse the mess

they should invent dinner that figures itself out

Worst thing since sliced ketchup

The backlash to the data center backlash is pretty funny. Oh is it somewhat based on misinformation? How is that misinformation being spread? It's being boosted by an rage-bait algorithm built to amplify misery you say? I wonder if it's operated out of some sort of facility we could shut down

God *giggling*: They are gonna be so tiny. Angel *writing*: ants... tiny... got it. God *suddenly tearing up*: but omg so strong.

My voice goes up an octave if you are: -a dog -distressingly attractive -behind me

I’m good at stretching words out to absurd lengths, but do I get any credit for it? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Me: [making impt life decision] what should I do Wife: just listen to your gut Me: ok Gut: let’s get nachos Me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS Wife: wtf just happened